Obsessive Mania

I upped my meds last week. I haven’t been sleeping for the past month really. It’s been hit or miss. Four hours here. Six hours there. No real pattern except no real sleep. I’ve been going to bed at eight or nine and popping wide eyed a few hours later with my mind having no intention of going back to sleep.

That is typically the precursor to a manic episode. When it first happened, I jumped on it and took my rescue meds. I thought it would help. It did the first two nights. I slept over the weekend. Then the insomnia started again and never really left. My doctor canceled my appointment so I figured I could make it the next appointment.

Even with the lack of sleep, I wasn’t having buzzy signs flashing in my head. I was thinking, or so I thought, clearly. I was calm. I wasn’t distressed. I wasn’t feeling high. I felt level, despite the lack of sleep. In the evening, I felt tired and ready for bed. That convinced me that I wasn’t manic or hypomanic.

What I didn’t see, until now, was the obsession with the online dating. Swiping right and left and the obsessive texting with strangers and the need to talk. Talking is my go to manic behavior. Obsessive talking nonstop. I found an outlet in talking to strangers day and night. Sure, most of them were weirdos and the conversations were brief but I still had someone to talk to. I was getting attention. That was in reflection manic moment number one.

Manic moment number two.

Manic moment number two keeps coming in the form of Amazon packages that I apparently spent most of my check on in an online spending spree over the past two weeks. I bought several tshirts, earrings, jeans and knee high socks. All things I could use, but none of it I really per se need. I’m scared to truly look at my bill as it all comes it steady installments as they are shipped at different times.

The packages just keep coming and I’m always surprised.

“What the fuck did I order?”

“Oh. Huh. Cool. Guess I’ll wear that.”

Bipolar behavior is always something you view in retrospect. I’m usually pretty good at seeing it in the midst of the episode. This one was a bit tricky. It took me by surprise. My last spending spree was Christmas a few years ago buying a few hundred dollars worth of ornaments for my Christmas tree. Now I have tshirts and socks. At least I’m prepared for a nerd convention.

I don’t know if it was the mania or not but I did develop a new obsession with knee high socks. I do think it’s manic based but I’m totally rolling with it. I’ve always been a sock kinda gal but I’m invested in it now. Baby Yoda, mermaids, Firefly, R2D2. You name it, I got it. I am quirky without the mania. It’s just shining a bit more now that I’m having the residual effects. LOL.

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