Living on the Edge of Madness

I’ve said before it is a balancing act. This illness is called bipolar. Two sets of poles. Two sets of faces. Two sets of problems. Two characteristics to treat.

I’ve upped my meds. I’m functioning fine. I look normal. I’m brushing my hair and teeth. I’m showing the same amount as I normally do. I’m putting on deodorant. I’m even exercising.

What’s happening that I can’t quite explain is the seeing of things and the paranoia. These are my symptoms of when things are not right but when I’m hypomanic. I am not hypomanic. I am calm. I am thinking normal. I was able to write clearly. (maybe that is a sign).

A couple of days ago, I was writing at my dining room table and I saw a very large spider run at me. I jumped out of my chair and brushed it off of me. It had never made it to me because it was not real. I looked everywhere. There was no spider. A spider that large and black cannot hide on white tile. That was one.

Another of my reoccurring delusions is that I’m being watched. Not by people or private eyes. It’s deeper than that. I’m convinced I’m under surveillance. I feel that every room in my house has been bugged and has a camera. I feel the cabin has this too. I feel my truck has also been bugged. Someone is watching me. I’m not a very interesting person and I don’t know why someone would want to watch me but I feel like someone is watching me.

Now I know in my heart of hearts, neither of these things is happening. The spider was never there. There is no surveillance. I even went so far last time it happened to look in the vents, just to be sure. I have yet to disassemble my truck.

I know it is not real. I know it is in my head but that doesn’t stop the panic of thinking someone is getting off on their voyeuristic fantasy at my expense. I don’t even think it’s the government. I’m not even that interesting to think it’s that. I don’t know what it is. It’s just that someone has done it.

Again, I know it’s all bullshit. Doesn’t stop the feeling from being real.

The problem is, this usually sets in when I’m manic. I know how to handle it. I adjust my meds and move on. I am usually having other symptoms. I can regulate myself and diagnose the problem. This is not the case at the moment. I have two symptoms that have uncharacteristically shown themselves at a different time in a different cycle. I’m not manic.

Do I take the symptoms and just live with them? Call it a side effect. Or do I call the doctor for another fix? I just adjusted to the new script. Maybe this is the side effect of the higher dose. Who knows? I feel good, minus the delusions and paranoia. And when you say it that way…it doesn’t sound very good.

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