Stepmom Losses

Being a stepparent was not something that I talked about in my book. It was alluded to that Doug and I had a blended family. He had three kids and I had my two. He had two girls and a boy.

We met because of his son.

I had developed a relationship with his son through school and then as his stepmom. We bonded over books. I tried to find a connection to him. He was a reader. He was a voracious reader. He introduced me to many books. We would buy two sets of books or he would read one and I would read it after so we could talk about it. We would go to the bookstore together. It was our thing. It was what bonded us.

I’m sad that we no longer talk.

As a kid, he and his dad struggled with their relationship. He struggled in school. It was a struggle. He went to live with Doug’s parents for his last couple of years of high school. He did a wonderful job. I remember feeling so proud of him going to his graduation.

Then he stayed in OKC, met his wife working at Chick-Fil-A, and eventually joined the Marine Corp. His dad and I had split. We still talked. He had gotten married. He was doing bootcamp at Pendleton. I sent him letters with pictures each week to boost his spirits. I was so proud of him.

He invited me to his MC graduation. I was planning on going. Doug and I were not really talking. I called to see what Doug’s plans were. He told me he was taking Skankasaurus. I was defeated. I told him if he took her I could not go. My anxiety could not handle it. I was not mentally in a good place to handle that kind of trigger. He said he was bringing her anyway.

During that weekend as well, Doug’s son was also having a baby shower for his wife. I was unable to go to that due to Skanasaurus. My entire plans had been ruined .

Athena and I had planned to go away to San Diego to go to the graduation for the weekend and the babyshower. It was all gone. I just cried. I think I found all this out while on the I-15 traveling to San Diego.

Athena and I made a weekend of it. Her husband flew in with the baby and we went around the town sightseeing. I was very depressed and had suicidal ideations. I just wanted to sleep. I was anxious. I was upset.

We made plans to meet up with my boy for breakfast the day we were leaving. We all had breakfast and it was great. We took a final picture together. I gave him a big hug. A hug so big that I lifted him off his feet. He said that after all his training it was kind of emasculating that I could do that. I just told him it was a momma bear hug.

I thought all was well. I texted him when I got home and he never replied. I was in a bipolar moment so I texted again and no reply. I texted again that if he didn’t want me to text or call me again, I understood. I wasn’t his mom. I wouldn’t bother him again. I never heard from him again.

Now, I don’t know if that is what I said. I could have said a SLEW of other crazy things as well and also included that phrase. But I never heard from him again.

I only briefly saw him at a funeral and only polite exchanges were said. No hugs or love were spoken. I was no longer his momma.

It’s been about five or six years since that graduation. I miss my boy. I hope he is well. I hope his life is full.

I had a dream that he and his daughter came to live with me for some reason. We went and had pizza and chocolate shakes. It was nice having him back in my life, even if it was in a dream.