I’m at a point where I think I might be getting into trouble.
I had another bad night of sleep. On top of the bad sleep I did some manic spending which I had forgotten about until I opened my bank app this morning.
Last night, I watch Brad Paisley do a free concert on Facebook. I have not watched a country concert in a while. I saw Lady Antebellum with my cousin last February. That was fun. I immediately bought that album and listened to it on and off.
While watching the concert, I went on iTunes and manic spent over sixty dollars on music. Brad Paisley. Wynonna. Travis Tritt. Joe Diffie. All music from my college days. I reasoned with myself that I would love to hear it while I drive to the cabin. While watching the concert, I listened to the music I bought and shopped for more.
This went on for about thirty minutes until the concert ended. I finally put my phone down and plugged it in to charge. I then unplugged it and found a YouTube video of Travis Tritt’s “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” and posted it on Facebook. Then I plugged back in and tried to go to sleep.
I slept for an hour and got back up. This went on all night. I’d sleep a bit and wake up. Go get a drink of water. Then back to bed. Go to the bathroom. Lay down. Turn over. Turn the TV back on and close my eyes. Repeat all above steps in different orders throughout the night.
Throughout the day, I have had zero focus. I have had to stop the TV several times to get through a movie. In fairness, it was a BAD movie. We chose to watch a BAD movie on purpose for our movie review. But it wasn’t just that. It was my mind wandering. Thinking. Pervasive thoughts.
I spoke with my sister today about how I was UP. I told her how I had to adjust meds after the quarantine and how I thought I might need my rescue meds in a day or so. I was not sleeping well. I was having the focus issue. I could almost see her face screw up over the phone. “I think you need to take them now.”
I argued with her, “I’ll give it a few days and then do it.”
I made up a bunch of excuses as to why I don’t want the meds.
I just texted with a good friend of mine who is also bipolar. She is my bipolar buddy. She is who convinced me to get medicated again and start this journey with a bright outlook. I talked to her about what was going on and she too said I should just take my rescue meds, that’s what they are there for.
Now, two people are telling me to take my rescue meds. Everything in my inner being is telling me. “You’re okay. You’re fine. You’re not that sick. You’re not buzzing. There’s no rainbows.”
My sister said, “Do you have to wait before it gets bad?”
The answer is no. I need to listen to the right voices and that is the voices of reason. I know I need the rescue med. I probably needed it last week when the sleep patterns started to develop into bad things. I just didn’t want to admit I’m headed for a bad turn.
This is the downside of the illness. The fear of the episode. I don’t want to be sick. There is so much that needs to be done. I don’t want to take the meds because they effect my creativity and my energy levels. But am I doing anything now? No. So why not take the meds?
I’ve got no real answer.
Excuse me. I need to go pop a pill.