Author Archives: ahiddibah

Dear Brother- ​ So much has happen this year. I was real sick. I really wanted you there with me, y​our humor would have really helped. Someone to watch movies with while my mind spun out ​​of control. You missed out on so many good movies and television over the passed couple of years. I stillContinue reading “Happy 46th Birthday Brother”

02/17/2019 Mother’s Day had just passed. It was a Monday. It was first or second period. I was in science, co-teaching with Myers. She was out sick that day or doctor appointment for the baby. I was standing in the back of the room on the black and white checkered floor. My Motorola flip phoneContinue reading “Reflections of my brother’s death”

12/29/2018 At the heart if the matter I am mentally ill. Today I am hypomanic coming off a manic energy that had me buzzing so hard I thought I actually might drive myself to the hospital or call the doctor. Instead, I adjusted my meds and waited it out. Slowly it has simmered to aContinue reading “Glimpse at coming down December 2018”

Even in the end, my aunt was elegant. Her nails naturally long and manicured. Painted. The color of the desert Shimmering like the sand. I drove five hours from Vegas to Phoenix. No stops. Straight to the hospital. I walked into the room. Said my hellos to my family and turned to say my goodbyesContinue reading “Aunt Tillie”

August 9, 2018 Mood analyzing myself constantly. I was hospitalized for my second time for the bipolar. I have a plan of action for mania but not so much for depression. The problem was I wasn’t really depressed. It was a mixed state. Fun times if you have never had one. This was a combinationContinue reading “Mixed episode. Take 1.”

If you have a heart condition, amusement parks remind you not to ride the roller coasters or to do so at your own risk. Unfortunately, when you are bipolar, you don’t even realize you got on the ride until after it is over. Isn’t doesn’t matter if you have gone through a depression to manicContinue reading “Bonkers, Batman and Bonfires”

Dear brother, I can’t believe you would be 40 tomorrow. I am 37 this year and find it hard to believe that in October my physical body will be older than you. I didn’t feel that when I turned 37 but oddly enough I feel it as I see the age you should have been.Continue reading “Happy 40th birthday brother!”

July 23 2010 Darkness creeps in like smoke under a door. This darkness fills the cracks and crevices of my heart and soul. The day my brother took his life he ended a part of mine. There was never a day I existed without him. He was always there. There is such an emptiness leftContinue reading “July 2010”

sept 27 control, alt, delete…why can’t life be so easy to reset.  Each day is different. Some days are better than others.  Almost five months have gone by and when I think about my brother the pain is as fresh as the first day.  I wonder if its the missing piece gone from my heart and soul.Continue reading “Oct 2010-2012”