I’ve been trying to figure out how I wanted to write this. I’m still processing it but I am compelled to share my story as I always am.
I have shared my dating dilemmas with you but this goes beyond that. This was, is, a confusing experience.
After meeting a man, Jeff, we became intimate. I consented to have sex. We were having a good time until he said, “Doesn’t that feel good?”
“Yeah, it feels great.”
“That’s because I took the condom off.”
I was shocked. He kept going. I didn’t stop him. Then he paused asked if I was okay with it and I was in shock. I muttered something but continued. Then he finished on me like I was garbage.
I just laid there feeling utterly violated. I was cold and empty. I was instantly worried I would get an STD even though he said he had been tested. I didn’t believe him.
I walked him to the door and he kissed me on the cheek and said he’d text me when he got home.
He had no remorse for what he had done. He had no thought for violating my body. For dismissing me. Not allowing me to consent to have sex without a condom. Nothing.
I tried to joke about what had happened. A folly in my escapade of sexual adventures but it kept gnawing at me. Giving me anxiety. I pushed it further back in my mind. I tried to act like it never happened.
This happened a month ago. Last week I started having symptoms of what I thought was a yeast infection. I treated it but it didn’t get better. I started having other symptoms and I went down the STD google search rabbit hole.
I wound up at the health district sex health clinic. I was tested for everything and found out I did have a yeast infection, but I also had bacterial vaginosis and trich or trichomoniasis.
I had a triple hat trick but Trich was the only one that was an STD. I was very lucky. All my other labs came back negative.
The other night I googled again. This time “guys taking condoms off during sex”.
The results…stealthing. It’s unfortunately a common problem. So common that other countries such as Sweden and Germany have outlawed it. California has recently done so as well. A man was recently convicted in Sweden of stealthing for 12 months.
Everywhere else this is considered rape-adjacent. In an article that was published in 2017, women stated “I’m not sure, but I think I’ve been raped.”
Reading these articles made me feel better. I felt like I wasn’t the only one out there. I’ve been a victim of assault before. As a child I had no voice. I didn’t speak about it for years. People didn’t believe me.
Both times I feel like I put myself in a bad situation. I felt I should have said something. Done something. Removed myself from the situation. Been more forceful. I feel like I’m to blame, though I keep telling myself that’s not true. It echos in my mind.
I have replayed my childhood trauma over and over and how I could have done things differently. I have replayed this as well.
I know the outcome. I know there’s no what ifs in the scenarios we chase. I will try to not make myself crazy about it, but you can’t stop the mind as it begins to spin.
When I got my test results, I texted him. “Hey Fucker. You gave me an STD…” I told him what it was and called him some more names. He didn’t respond. I also reported him on Bumble for assault. Hopefully they yanked his profile. But who knows.
I feel violated and unsure of myself. I’m a bit scared because these are the risks going into these dating adventures. I’ve been lucky that this was the worst if it. I know I’ve been a bit reckless but I was just having fun. I trusted the wrong person. With some antibiotics my body will be fine, but it’s going to take my mind a while to be at peace.
I know in the end that I’m a strong woman. Woman Who Goes To War. I’ll be okay. It will just take time.