As I laid in bed, my little Yorkie, Bella, snuggled up next to me. In that moment, I was triggered back to the hours after my brother’s passing. Her tiny body and weight leaned into me and the memory washed over me.
Tears welled in my eyes. And I just took a deep breath. I cried. I remembered being in bed after leaving the hospital. Numb. I was still in my work clothes. My sister was in bed with me comforting me. The dogs kept trying to nuzzle me and I was annoyed.
I finally asked her, “Why won’t they leave me alone?”
“They know you’re in pain and want to comfort you.” she responded in a quiet voice while stroking my hair.
Bella came and snuggle up next to my belly. She’s consistently stayed there ever since. She’s either right next to me or on my belly as I lay down in bed.
When this memory came flooding back, Bella was already by my side. I just reached out and snuggled her.
I let this memory come. These days I don’t often think of my brother’s passing in sadness. I think of the joy his life brought me. But this memory was all sadness. It made my heart ache.
Pain seared my soul at the memory of loss. It was as fresh as it was eleven years ago. Grief is a strange thing. I guess you’re never really over it. When you least expect it, it finds you unaware and invaded your quiet morning.
While I let this memory wash over me and I cried. I snuggled with my Bella. She licked me and put her cold nose on my arm. Feeling her almost too hot little body next to mine was a comfort.
I’m not going to lie. The memory shook me for a bit. However, I didn’t let it ruin my day. I did accept it and thought of happier times.
I remembered the jacket. I remembered my brother’s generosity when he bought me a jacket and I wanted to be just like him and have the same leather jacket.
When I got out of bed, Bella followed me down the hallway as opened the hallway closet and found the old black leather jacket. I put the jacket on and got a hug from my brother.