Sudden Swing

24 hours is all it takes for a mood swing to take you down. Even after all this time I find it hard to take the downward shift from fifth gear to a grinding stop.

I don’t know if I was riding high. I was feeling rather euphoric. I met a man. I am very taken with him. I know I’ve written about that before but I feel different about this. But I question it now as I think it might have been a part of a manic high. Flighty. Full of fun and sex. High energy.

Now. Yesterday I found myself in a low state. So low that I found myself dropping so fast that I had to leave work. I could feel it coming on like you feel the back of your mouth and throat water before you throw up.

I cried a little in class. But I think I hid it from my students. I called my admin and told her I needed to go home. She was very supportive. She came to my class and told me to go home.

I went home, crying the entire way. I had a feeling of hopelessness and despair. A feeling of loneliness.

In the midst of this, I knew it wasn’t real. Through the tears and a brain spinning. I tried to reassure myself what I was feeling wasn’t real. These were chemical reactions in my brain fucking with me. The tears still came.

I got home. Took an small dose of meds and went to bed.

I should have known my mood wasn’t quite right on the morning when I got dressed. I was wearing jogging pants and a 3x sweatshirt. My hair was braided but untidy. Ah the time. Early in the morning, I didn’t feel too bad. Just off. It hit me about 8 am.

In bed in curled up in a ball and cried but realized that fed the mood. Fighting it I stretched out on my back crossing my ankles and hugging myself with shallow breath.

I kept talking to myself. This wasn’t real. I uncrossed my feet and arms and remembered my training. I took a deep breath and slowly stopped crying.

I focused my mind on my breathing. I open and closed my hands. I relaxed my body inch by inch with each deep breath.

The feelings didn’t quite leave but they lessened. I didn’t feel overwhelmed. Not quite as hopeless. I began to feel tired. Probably from the meds and emotions. I rested.

I turned on Downton Abbey and relaxed. I turned on my side and fell asleep. I napped on and off for a few hours.

When I woke, I was still foggy but feeling better. Not sunny. It was still cloudy but the light was coming through.

As I write this I feel at zero. Not euphoric where I was but not depressed either.

I’ve been fortunate to be able to talk my way through some of these swings and know they don’t last long.

Mental Health Awareness Month is here. Fight the stigma. I am bipolar. I embrace it. The good and bad of it. I will survive it. I’ll live up to my name and fight. Woman Who Goes To War.

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