Brother on my Mind

It’s February. Fifteen days until Tom’s birthday.

With Covid restrictions, I don’t know how I will go about with my celebrations and memorials for him. I don’t know if that’s what’s on my mind

I have been going without a lot of sleep and a lot of energy, but at the moment, this moment, I feel downcast. I feel a slight sadness echoing at my heart making my eyes well with tears.

There is no specific memory that comes to mind, just a general feeling of loss. Grief is strange like that. I have remembered my brother fondly recently with someone. Spoke about him with great joy. I didn’t cry or feel sad about his memory. I remembered the happy times with him and our morning ritual of breakfast and late night drinks.

This afternoon, I feel different. Maybe for just this moment, I’ll let it sit and pass through. It feel like a brief shadow. I can see the light but there is a cloud in the sky and I’m cast in a slight darkness for just this moment. It will pass. Even as I write this, I can feel it passing.

Tom was a great brother once we were grown; however, he was also a dick of brother when we were younger.

I think about all the times he tortured me. He actually strangled me with a rope at one point. I don’t quite recall how that all happened but I remember seeing stars and almost passing out. I remember him laughing. He thought it was funny. It was funny to him to torture me.

The older him took care of me. Paid for my breakfast, gas, movie tickets, whatever I needed. He was my best friend.

I want so much to call him and hear his voice right now. I want to hear his laugh.

How will I celebrate his birthday this year? There will be no pedicures or movies or breakfast. I guess I’ll buy a small cake and light a candle for him and just let it burn.