You don’t choose to have thoughts of suicide. They just come. You can just be going about your life and BAM you just have this overwhelming thought to end your life.
Typically, those thoughts come more and more in a depressive state. They do, however, happen sometimes in a manic state. The thoughts can be severe or mild. But they are thoughts. They are intrusive. They take energy to fight off.
I realized today that it has probably been about a year since I have had an intrustive thought about killing myself. I have had a day or so of depression in the past year. Nothing lasting longer than a week. Something that accounts more to a slight cold. I did not have those thoughts then. I just felt run down.
Anyone who has read this blog knows that I have had hypomanic moments throughout they year. Those come more frequent it seems as I get older.
The last round of suicidal ideations hasn’t happened for some time. It dawned on me today that I feel the peacefulness of not struggling to push down that feeling of wanting to die. Pushing down that feeling of making a plan. It is so exhausting what the mind does to you in the state you are in when you have suicidal ideations. You can’t escape your prison.
The thoughts are pervasive. They come to you without invitation. They come to you in your sleep and when you are awake. There is no escaping the demon sitting on you shoulder whispering death to your doorstep. You can’t hide from it.
You fight like hell to be rid of the thoughts. Sometimes they come one after the other. Sometimes its one a day. Then eventually, they just dissipate like mist in the morning. You begin to wonder why you ever had thoughts like that. You wonder if anyone knew you had thoughts like that. You wonder if anyone saw you had thoughts like that. You wonder what people would thing of if you had thoughts like that. You fear being judged and not accepted.
I write about these things because this is what happens in my mind and the minds of many others. Suicidal ideations do not mean people will commit suicide. It does mean they are struggling. They may need some tender care. It’s hard to open up because we don’t want to be judged. Nobody understands. If we say we’ve been thinking these terrible things, people will freak out and call the authorities that be and we get a vacation.
Suicidal ideations are serious and they lead to serious things. But they are different for everyone. Everyone’s bipolar and illness is different and should be treated as such. For me, my thoughts are just thoughts. Sometimes, I just needed to say them out loud. But I never could. I had to keep them bottled up. Nobody would have understood. Even now, after writing this, I don’t think many will understand.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had these thoughts. I hope I’m not tempting fate by writing about it and putting it into the universe that I’m healthy and happy with life and my brain.
If you are depressed or experiencing thoughts of suicide, talk to someone. Get it out there. Don’t bottle up. Talking it out is the best thing you can do.