Buzz, Buzz, Buzz

It’s December and my go to mood is hypomania. It starts with a little insomnia then lots of insomnia.

I am very predicable with my moods, just like I know the seasons will come, so does my mania. I am very conscious of my moods. I know can feel them coming on. Before, I was so accustomed to my depression that it would creep up on me and stifle the life out of me. Now, I can feel my mania turbo charge my mind.

For the last week, I’ve been getting up around 4AM. Today it was 2AM. I have learned I have to try to stay in bed as long as I can, but today I couldn’t. I was up and going by 3AM.

One of the things that quiets my mania is going to church. Since COVID, I have not been able to go to church. It is something that pains my heart and have to deal with. The calm of the church and ritual pacifies the buzz. Early in the morn I watched the mass of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. It’s not the same watching on my phone or computer. I can’t quite feel the calm.

I met with my doctor and we discussed my meds. We are adding back the Topamax to hopefully quell the start of the hypomania. I start that tonight.

UPDATE: I took the meds last night. I slept a little bit better but was still up at 5AM. I think I was really up at 4AM but refused to look at my phone and tossed and turned in my bed until I just finally got up. Meds have given me a headache. My eyes ache a bit. That could be from the early morning rise.

Anyway, I’m off to trying to make it through the holidays without the buzz, buzz, buzz and my coping comfort of church. Here’s to seeing how that goes.

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