I was grieved when it came to my brother’s death by suicide. I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I didn’t see anyone elses.
My mom and stepmom seemed to deal with it in their own way. My mom had a ceremony to help her deal with it. To me, in my perception, she had accepted it and had moved on.
In recent talks with my mom, she seems to be trying to find reasons why my brother did what he did. It could be my mom’s brain is wired differently with the aging process that is slowly taking over her memory. But she has had differing points of view as to why my brother took his own life.
To my surprise, those conversations have not triggered anything in me. Typically, I cannot talk about my brother’s death. It unleashes pain and despair.
I never questioned my brother’s choice to die. I have always accepted that this was his choice. I know he felt cornered and this was the only way out. His demons crept up on him and whispered the devil’s words to pull the trigger. I never questioned it.
I am puzzled why ten years later, my mom is trying to sleuth out the reasons behind his death. She has wild theories. Blaming his mood on something that happened while he lived on the East Coast in his 20s. His being molested and never getting help as a kid. Trying to figure out if there were problem in his relationship.
I feel bad my mom is rattling her brain for answers that will never come. Maybe things are different for a mom and for a sister. Tom was my best friend. I loved him with all my being. There was never a time I existed without him and then in one moment I outlived him.
Tom’s death changed me. I don’t know how I didn’t think it didn’t change my mom.
I supposed most people as why did they do it. Especially when they didn’t leave a note or it was spontaneous like my brother. The community asks why. I never did. I was just left with a hole in my heart and spirit. Why wouldn’t my mom feel that?
As family left behind to sort out our loved ones life, I believe many ask why. My brother was in the midst of early fatherhood. He had everything you could hope for. But while he was drinking, I knew the destructiveness would catch up with him.
I’ve lost young people in the past few years. Students from my school. That was as heart wrenching as my brother. In those cases, I did ask why. I reasoned that they were in pain and saw no way out. A secret pain they could not get away from. The demon whispered in their ears and they saw in answer in death.
There is no right or wrong answer on how to process the death of a loved one, let alone a death caused by suicide.
I would say, do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. You are not responsible for choices others make, although it seems like the right way to deal with it. We want answers in suicide. Quite often we are left with nothing but silence.
Grieve and find a way to celebrate the lost loved ones life. Take small steps each day to heal and mend your heart and soul. I’d like to say it get’s easier but it doesn’t always. It’s up to you how to process and how time will work on you.
It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.
Your loved one loved you. Take that to heart.