Made the Right Call

It’s a brand new day. My eyes are clear. The noise in my head is gone. I’m starting to have some concentration again. It begs the question…why did I wait so long?

I think this is the trouble with our mental health. Even with someone like me who really knows myself pretty well, we tend to lapse in our judgement. I know not being around my trusted individuals at school, my sounding boards have caused me to lose focus on my mental health. I think had I been around people I don’t know that I would have had this slip and would have medicated sooner.

My friend, M. , is part of my team. She is my emotional barometer of all things. She really makes sure that I’m on top of my meds and taking care of myself. She not only does that for me but others around her that she cares about. But I know she particularly looks after me.

A med shift is always a bit rough. Undergoing one, I always question if it was the right thing to do. I was tired and sick. I felt drugged and out of it mentally and physically. I just stayed in bed all day sporadically checking my phone.

Now, three days out of a dose up, I can’t believe I had tortured myself with the noise in my head for the past six weeks. The lack of focus and intense nonsense burning through my brain. There was a build up of excess energy that could not be spent.

I feel calm but not sedated. I feel relaxed and my brain can still process. I don’t feel overly emotional. I’m not tuned up and buzzing anymore.

I think it is natural not to want to take medication. I am very good at taking my medication. I don’t just put off taking my rescue meds because I remember the last time taking them I felt bad but that was because I didn’t need them anymore. Now, I need them. I didn’t think I was bad off enough. I thought there would be side effects.

I dosed down the resperdol in January but kept the 1 mg as a rescue med in case of a mania between doctor’s visits. I never thought I would need to use it. I think we try to convince ourselves we are well enough to get by. I was convinced I could get though until I could see the doctor next week. I just needed to wait to see her in person, even though I had the tools to adjust myself. I needed to trust myself more.

I’m looking at all the tabs open on my computer at the moment and that’s how my brain was. All the tabs open at once, just spinning. I was trying to see them all at once too. I could not focus on one thing but had to do many things.

I take a deep breath and know I am on the road to recovery of something I didn’t know I was sick from. I didn’t know how bad it was until I slept well last night and woke up with no noise and calm in my head.

It’s nice to find peace.

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