I Don’t Want Tomorrow

I think this picture was taken at my Aunt Tillie’s place while we were visiting one summer, but I could be totally wrong. I have no idea where I got the picture. It’s a picture of a picture saved in my phone. My brother being captured laughing at something. He was always laughing. He had the best laugh. A booming laugh.

I woke up today, feeling my heart crushed. Ten years brother, ten years. Tomorrow will be ten years.

Ten years ago, we were in a silent fight. You and I were not talking. We had our argument and had stopped talking to cool down. It was the longest we hadn’t spoken since you had moved to live with dad in Maryland. It had been about ten days since we had spoken, around that.

I did’t know if you were still upset. I know I wasn’t really that upset with you. You seemed like you were the one that needed to cool off and I was giving you time to calm down. You were the one who was volatile. You had blown up at me. I figured I’d just give you time. I thought we had all the time in the world.

Tomorrow, I will spend the day without my parents. My boys will not really understand. Jesse is in his own shell. Patrick won’t be by until later in the day. I will be by myself. I will mourn by myself.

My parents have accepted my brother’s death. They do feel the sadness and grief I feel each year. It is like an open wound. I feel better when I’m around them because they handle it so much better than I do.

They remind me that his soul is with heaven. They are good with that.

Maybe it’s the last words he said to me, “I hate you. This is your fault. I am going to kill myself and it is all your fault.” Even though I don’t believe it. Maybe it sticks in my mind and begs the darkness in me.

I just feel that heaviness creep in right now. The looming darkness for tomorrow.

It will lift as the day moves forward. As the sun moves across the sky, my mood will shift with it.

Maybe tomorrow, the sadness won’t come. Maybe today was my day for the tears. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the reflection.

Maybe…