Nine years ago

Nine years ago, I lost my best friend. Nine years ago, I lost my way. Nine years ago, I became a different person. The trauma of losing my brother has greatly impacted the person I have become. Doug said he saw me become a shell of myself. In the beginning that was true. I withered and withdrew from the world. I needed to be sheltered from the harsh realities of the real world at work.

I just could not see my world without my brother. There wasn’t a moment I existed without him and then I had to continue on without him. I didn’t know how to be in the world without him in it.

Nine years I have walked this earth without him. Nine years I have mourned and grieved and sat vigil for him. Nine years my soul still aches to be with my brother but not as much as before.

In nine years, I have grown as a person. In nine years, I have taken care of my mental health. I have a wonderful concoction of meds that are seeing me through the storm of bipolar so I can be healthy and process trauma in a not so traumatic way.  I am stronger. I am continuing to grow.

I know if my brother were here, he would be proud of me. I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad and have all these tears to process twice a year. Each year gets easier and easier. By far, this has been the easiest year yet.

I remembered him fondly. I didn’t feel overly traumatized. I didn’t feel burdened by him. Nine years and I just feel love.

Maybe next year will bring more release and acceptance and a will to move forward.

I love my big brother.

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