Covering Scars

I am a cutter. I have been since I was 12 years old. I don’t know how or why I stopped, or when I finally stopped. I think it was during college.

I went many years without any self-harm. But with a vengeance, it came back a few years ago and I found myself cutting when I was under pressure, feeling overwhelmed, sad, anxious, and a variety of other feelings. Feelings that I couldn’t let out in a normal way.

Through cutting, I relieved the tension in myself. I found a temporary relief and solace in the first cut and seeing the blood.I would dab at the blood with a tissue watching it absorb into the white cottony paper. 

I use a razor blade and make small cuts. Nothing deeper than a scratch. It usually stops bleeding after about ten minutes with dabs and pressure. 

I always clean my tools and my cutting area. I don’t want to get an infection. 

The cut is deliberate. Thought out. Methodical. 

It is not for attention. Most cutters hide their cuts. They don’t want people to see them.   I always hid mine under my sleeve on my left arm during the winter. During the summer, under my shorts and jeans, I hid them on my left thigh.

I am ashamed of my cutting. It is a weakness. A darkness that I allow myself to be taken over by. I know I’m not the only cutter who feels this way, which is why we hide it.

When I started losing weight, my shorts got shorter. The cut marks became visible.  I also lost my spot to cut. Again, cutting is a secret affair. I decided to cover up my scars and remove my areas of temptation to cut.

In July, I got five blue butterflies to cover the scarring on my thigh. I thought it would symbolize rebirth and renewal.  

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to cover the scarring on my forearm. I’ve carried those scars since I was twelve and have added to them over the years. Mainly the past three years. I got some beautiful flowers done to symbolize beauty, hope, and peace. 

I’m not going to lie. I have cut recently. I went several months without doing it. I was feeling frustrated with a situation and I needed relief. 

I do know that cutting is not the solution. I work each day I have a situation to handle my emotions in a better way. I hope I continue to handle them in this positive attitude I have today. 

If you are cutting, there are people that will talk to you. Please look on my resource page. I do not claim to be an expert and only speak of my own experience. Everyone who is a cutter has different experiences

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