Emotional Hangover in Solitude

YAY! I’M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR! yay. i’m a published author…

I ran the gamut of emotions yesterday. But I did the thing that I know is bad for me. I violated my sleep hygiene. I talked about it a bit last post. I was so excited about getting my graphics that I couldn’t sleep. I got three hours of sleep and then had an exciting day.

That day took me through a lot of emotions.

Happiness.

Pride.

Giddiness

Anxiousness.

Embarrassment.

Fulfillment.

Excitement.

Nervousness.

I was absolutely sick to my stomach half the day. Some of that was the fact I had been awake so long. I don’t know if anyone else gets an upset stomach when they have stayed awake all night and have only consumed dark coffee. But that’s where I was at. Food didn’t sound good yet I needed something. Jesse made me something.

I was elated that I sold my first 11 books yesterday. I was also nervous that 11 people were going to judge me and I would never know what they thought about my writing, my experience, my life, my book, my choices, none of it. It was just out there. Then that wheel would start spinning and the elation would turn to embarrassment and nervousness. The stomach would get upset.

By the end of the night, I was super emotional. I talked with some friends. Myers, my sister and the counselor from school who counsels me LOL. They all told me to breath calm. It would be okay I had every reason to be anxious and it would pass.

My sister and I got onto a more serious subject of how I portrayed my dad’s side of things in my book. We talked it over and I agreed that I did not have dad’s side of things. But I was writing from my perspective. I was writing my authentic experience. My intention was not to hurt or upset my dad and I was hoping it comes across that our story is a story of redemption. We lost our way and are now finding each other again. That’s what I wanted the book to say about our relationship. Now, I’m nervous my family will reject me for what I wrote.

After reflection, as I stared at my ceiling this morning. Dogs licking my face in anticipation of being fed. I thought, yesterday was a manic moment. I feel the let down of emotions. I was very high. Now I’m low. Not super low, but under the baseline.

I’m sure I will feel better tomorrow, or even later in the day. I truly feel like I drank a bottle of vodka. I haven’t had a drink since October 2018. But I truly feel hung over. Emotions are crazy.

Today, the paperback is out. We will see how book sales are. I don’t quite have the peppy attitude I had yesterday. My light is somewhat dimmed.