I fucked up. I fucked up big time in my world. I forgot to take one of my medications.

I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t feel well. I felt like I was getting sick. I just felt a general malaise. I couldn’t quite put it together. I had a bit of a headache. I just didn’t feel like myself.

I had gone to work. I held a meeting. I tried to get work done. It just wasn’t coming together so, I went home.

At home, I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong. It felt like I might be catching a cold. My body didn’t feel right. I still couldn’t place it. I just felt off.

For the next several hours, I just rested in bed watching TV. Relaxing. Trying to see if I was going to get any worse or better. I just felt the same. Blah.

I couldn’t tell if it was in my head. It felt like it was in my body. It didn’t feel like a mood shift but I was unsure.

By the time evening hit, the dogs reminded me it was time to eat. I got out of bed and fed them. I fixed myself some rice to eat and prepared to take my meds.

My meds I have lined up in a certain order. It’s a little OCD. It’s just so I know where they are at. My morning meds are at the beginning and then the rest of my meds follow. I just know what they are and in which order they come in. Respidal, Lamictal, Ativan, Temazepam, Topamax, Metformin, Benadryl.

All of these drugs are in prescription bottles except the Topamax. It is in a white bottle from the distributor, I suppose.  It comes with an insert folded and glued to the top of the bottle each time I get it filled.

I have taken these in order for the last year. I have lined them up like this since I’ve been taking them.

I finished my Topamax the other day and forgot to replace it in the line-up. It did not occur to me to do it immediately. I just tossed the bottle, took my meds and moved on.

For some reason, I didn’t notice it missing from the line-up. I missed a dose. At this point, I cannot pinpoint how many doses I missed. It could be one. It could be two.

I realized last night it was missing from my line-up after I took my pills. I almost walked away but I did a double-take. Something seems askew. Then, it hit me. I was missing one of my meds.

That’s why I felt sick. I was having withdrawal symptoms. Slight headache, body ache, foggy brain, restless, itchy skin.

I took my missed med and hoped it would not shock my system. I honestly don’t know how long I’d been without it. It couldn’t have been more than three days at the most.

Now, it’s 4AM. I had restless sleep all night and dreamed about writing IEPs and holding meetings that went on and on. I dreamed about scaling concrete walls with wire at the top that folded at an angle. Freedom awaited on the other side. I was running from something.

So, here I sit, after my fuck up. Awake at 4AM, pondering how the day will proceed. Will I feel any better? Will I need to come home from work again? Who knows. I’ll just take as it comes.

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