July 12, 2019
I have always been a sensitive person. I was a sensitive child. I was prone to getting my feelings hurt easily. As an adult with bipolar, my emotions are intensified and I have to constantly gauge whether or not my emotion is an accurate reaction to a situation or is it a bipolar reaction. Have I been triggered and am I overreacting?
Recently, while at the cabin, I was talking with my ex. He was going into a story about his brother’s child, whom I know. I know his brother. My ex and I were together for eight years. I was very close to his family. We were one of the first people to visit after the baby was born.
My ex launches into this story about the baby, who is now a child. He says. “My brother’s son, so and so…”
Anger instantly flared inside of me. I popped back, “I know who he is. I know your brother. I was there when he was born. I took pictures of your brother and the baby. I know who he is. You don’t have to tell me who your brother’s kid is.”
It got creepy quiet and the conversation ceased.
My ex said, “Well, never mind. I forgot the story.”
I was still pissed off. I finished eating my dinner and cleared the table. I obsessed over that conversation. I couldn’t let it go. I put dinner away. I knew I was wrong to snap at him. I knew my mood was shifting and I was in a swing.
I went upstairs and apologize. He thanked me for apologizing. I was hoping he was going to say something like, “I’m sorry for treating you like you are stupid and didn’t know who my brother was.” But that didn’t happen. I was still angry and upset.
I went outside and smoked a cigarette. I began to cry.
I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m happy. I cry when I’m frustrated. I cry when I’m angry. Me crying is my go-to emotion.
I knew my feelings were a bipolar feeling. They were exaggerated. They were triggered by something that shouldn’t really be that big of a deal. My ex used to be my trigger. I avoided him for years, but HE hasn’t been a trigger for a long time. It was just what he said that triggered me. The idea that I didn’t matter enough to think I didn’t know who his brother’s son was.
All these other thoughts came to mind.
My ex. All the nice things he has done for me. He isn’t nice. He is doing them out of some sick perverse thing to make himself feel good. He isn’t doing it to be nice just to be a Good Samaritan. He’s sick. I don’t want anything from him. I’m sorry I took the help from him.
I had all these sick and twisted thoughts. They plagued me for about an hour. Silent tears streamed down my face.
Other people working on the cabin, walked by. If they noticed my tears in the evening light, they didn’t say anything. I tried to wipe them away as quickly as possible.
I had gone silent. I know my mood and shifted. I know my face had changed. I’m not good at hiding my facial cues. If I feel it, you know it. It is very plain on my face.
I went to bed upset, hoping my meds would kick in and lull me to sleep.
I woke up the next morning feeling better. I didn’t feel mad or out of sorts. I felt a steady mood. I had gotten a good night rests.
I woke up and watched the sunrise. Pink clouds kissed the sky behind the pine trees. I drank my coffee and listened as the birds came to life around me.
My ex came out and joined me. He didn’t mention anything of the words from last night. It wasn’t even a blip on his radar. It was a hole in my heart. A twinge of pain rushed through me for a moment. I breathed and it released. I just held the morning sun and its embrace.
My ex and I bantered about the work that had been done last night at the cabin. The topic stayed neutral. He drank his cup of coffee and went back to bed.
I sat for a while thinking about how I had handled my mini outburst.
I hadn’t made a complete fool of myself, but I felt embarrassed. I felt like I did not have control over my emotions. I know I was overreacting but could not reign in the overwhelming feeling of being forgotten. I felt like our eight years together meant nothing. I was forgettable. I was upset at how upset I got.
I was happy that in the morning I was able to act like a civil human being and I did not hold on to that anger or resentment. My thoughts from the other night were gone. A clear sign it was a bipolar swing. One of my best qualities is that I typically do not harbor resentments against people. It’s also how people take advantage of me. I don’t like conflict.
Hopefully, going to therapy will allow me to resolve some of these issues and learn how not to be triggered so easily. If I am triggered, I hope to learn how to deescalate myself in a calm manner. I am hopeful.