July 3, 2019
It’s been about five years since Doug and I broke up. He was able to move on and eventually got married. He is married to a lovely woman. They have a lot in common and met through their secret society.
I, on the other hand, have a hard time meeting people. I do not frequent bars. I do not work with single men. I do not belong to any clubs. I do not have friends that have single friends. I do not have single friends that I would date. I do not belong to a church group. I do not have a way of meeting eligible, single men.
My niece suggested I try online dating. I figured what the heck. I’ll give it whirl. I downloaded the app. Swiping right and left was fun. Reading bios of likes and dislikes was interesting. It filled a lot of time. I usually spent time with the app in the mornings, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and sending greetings to strangers.
Most of the time, nobody responds. It’s a very fickle thing. You just look at pictures. You see if those pictures interest you. For me, if a man is taking a selfie in the bathroom or is shirtless it’s a no go for me. Also, if they are under 5’9, that’s also a no go for me. I need someone I don’t have to pick up and say hello to.
The app filters all these preferences down for you. You get preferences of age ranges. If you only want to see men whose ages range from 35-50 years old, then that’s what will pop up. As a free user you can send messages to whoever you like, but you can’t view who has liked you on your page. You have to have a subscription for that. So if they have swiped right and not sent a text, you don’t know who they are, if you are not a paid app supporter. I am not a paid app supporter. I’m not paying for that shit.
The messages you get are all very interesting as well. Some just say , “Hi.” Others give a formal introduction of name and occupation. While some, give their preference to sexual positions preferred and if that is of interest to me. I read all the message and respond to very few. I just deleted them. To paid users, they can see if you read the message. To the nonpaid user, you can’t see if they read it.
One guy got real belligerent with me and cussed me out because he sent me five “Hi’s” and I didn’t acknowledge him. Then he called me a bitch and a cunt. I blocked him. They do have a block button. But if you want something to do, you can engage in conversations with these guys and see where it goes.
I only converse with guys that interest me and guys that can hold a conversation. If the conversation is going well, I usually suggest to chat outside the app on our cell phones. We exchange numbers. The app is okay for chatting and getting to know you but it stalls and takes time for messages to go through. Not so instant in this instant message age.
This business of handing out my cell phone number had only backfired on me once. I got into a chat with a younger guy. He was in his twenties. His name was Thyme, like the spice. I was really bored, mostly. He was talking about how he liked older women. It started off like a genuine conversation. We exchanged numbers. Once the cell numbers were exchanged, the conversation turned dirty.
He started talking about sex and what he wanted to do to me. How he only had sex with MILFs. He started sending me pictures of his dick. The entire time this was happening, I was laughing. I was laughing at what a fool this kid was making out of himself. I was also telling him I was laughing at him. I was texting Myers and we were hooting over this kid being an idiot.
The finale came. He sent me a video of him full on jacking off from start to explosive finish. I was grossed out and in awe that a guy had the balls to send a stranger that video.
I didn’t respond. My mom had stopped over. It put a halt to my little game with the weirdo.
A few hours went by and my mom went home. I picked up my phone. Thyme had texted me over twenty times asking me about his video. Did I think his dick was big enough? Was it okay? Did I like it? Was I mad? Why hadn’t I responded?
I responded, “Easy tiger. I was busy. I think you did just fine. I think we’re done here. Have a good time. Don’t text me again.”
He was good and I didn’t hear from him again. Except, a few years later, on the dating app he found me again and didn’t remember me. I remembered him. I described what had happened and gave the kid a few LOLs. He blocked me.
For the most part, with the above exception, handing my number out to random strangers has not been an issue. I don’t tell them where I live or give them personal information. Just vague information. No last names. I’m hard to find without anyone knowing my real first name anyway.
About a six months or a year into using this app, I hooked a fish. I got along with this guy David. We talked for about three weeks. I was traveling back and forth to Utah. He was working a lot of overtime as a painter. He was busy, I was busy. We texted a lot. We had a lot of things in common. We both liked movies and TV shows. Geeky stuff. Musical taste was a bit different but he would send me samples of music and I would do the same for him.
After three weeks, we decided to meet up. It was my first real date in about twenty years. Doug and I never had a first date. Matt and I never had a first date. I was very nervous and out of my element.
He suggested we meet up downtown and try to find each other. It made me very uncomfortable but I did it anyway. We found each other at a bar in one of the casinos. Things were a bit awkward. He would start to say something and I would interrupt. Then he would do the same to me. We were having a hard time finding our grove. We decided to have lunch.
While eating, we were able to find our grove. It was easier and calmer to set a pace of back and forth talking. Once we found it, it couldn’t be stopped. We asked each other question after question. We just talked and talked.
We left the resteraunt and went for drinks. We walked under the canopy downtown and watched all the crazy people. There was a guy wearing a yellow bikini taking pictures with a monkey. It was odd. We had a few more drinks and continued to walk and talk.
The next thing I knew, three hours had passed. I had to get home to start warming up my pool for the movie in the pool night. He walked me to my truck. I hardly knew him. He leaned in and kissed me. I invited him over to my house for the movie.
He said if he came over he would have to stay the night because he would have to leave very early. I told him that would be okay.
So, I gave him directions and time to be at my place.
The date continued into that evening.
During the summer, I would heat the pool to a nice temperature. We would then project a movie on the back wall in the yard. We would all climb in the pool and float around watching the movie in the warm pool. We did this throughout the summer. There was usually a theme with food and drinks. I don’t recall what the movie or theme was for this week.
He showed up and brought his own pool floaty. My friends were surprised that I had a man in the house. I told them the date was continuing. They didn’t make a big deal about it and welcomed my friend.
Throughout the movie night, I continued to drink copious amounts of blueberry vodka and lemonaide. I was thoroughly snooshed by the time the movie ended.
My friends all wondered what happened to David, as he had disappeared at some point during the movie. I explained that he was curled up in my bed. I explained how he had to go to work early the next morning and this was the only way he could go to the pool night. I got a lot of raised eyebrows but everyone left soon after.
I went to bed drunk and woke up David. Clearly, I was ready to make some bad decisions. We had some terrible sex that was over too quickly. I hadn’t had sex with anyone, other than Derek in nine years. It was all a bad fit. The kissing was bad, too. I should have known the sex would be bad on top of it. I rolled over and tried to go to sleep but I was too drunk to really go to sleep.
I must have dozed off because David’s alarm went off and I dutifully walked him to the door. Said I had a good time. He said he had a good time and would call. I didn’t expect him to. I wasn’t sure that I wanted him to, but he did and it got weird.
When he called me, he was super excited and told me he wanted me to stay over at his house and wanted me to meet his son. When I told him, no, he sounded deflated. I didn’t hear from him for a day. The next conversation was the break up. He was telling me that he didn’t think this was going to work out for him. He pictured himself with a “smaller” girl. A girl he could “toss around in bed.” I’m not a small girl by any means of the imagination. I was not small in the afternoon of our date or in my swimsuit the night we fucked.
He told me I was “cool chick” and he wanted to stay friends.
I responded. “Thanks, I don’t fucking think so. Go find your skinny bitch and have fun. Seriously have fun. I’m good. I’ve got enough friends.”
That was my first date.
My second date was a couple weeks later from the app with a guy named Greg. Greg and I hit it off through texting. We texted back and forth. Same M.O. He had a great personality. I sent a lot of pictures but his were not always clear. We decided to meet up at a downtown Thai restaurant.
I walk up to the restaurant and there is this guy standing outside. He is very overweight. I don’t have a problem with that. I’m overweight. His clothes, however look like they are about three sizes too small. He looks like a sausage stuffed into his clothes. He is balding. He is also wearing white mid-calf socks with sandals. These were not the pictures he sent me or the pictures he had on the app. I barely recognized him. He approached me and called out to or I wouldn’t have been for sure it was him.
He was friendly and pulled me in for a hug. We went into the restaurant. It wasn’t very busy. It was a small place. It only had about 10 tables in it, the rest were patio tables. We sat inside. We both ordered Pad Thai and water.
I started the conversation, “So, tell me about your job.”
He answered. No follow up question for me.
I inquired again, “Tell me about your kids. How old are they again?”
He responded. No follow up. Again.
This went on, me interviewing him for an internship for some job of sorts. He didn’t ask me one thing the entire time. I finally gave up. I just ate and drank my water. There was so much dead silence that I drank three glasses of water.
When the meal was over, we got up and left. He did not offer to walk me to my truck. Just gave me a hug and went off his separate way.
About an hour later, he texted me, “It was great getting to know you. When can we get together again?”
Had he been at the same lunch? I put down my phone and walked away from it. I needed time to respond, if I was even going to respond. It was my sister that told me I should respond. I told her he was nice but it was awful. She told me to say that.
I responded, “Thank you for the meal. I did not think that it went very well. Good luck in the future. Hope you find what you are looking for.”
He replied, “Oh. Okay.”
After this, I gave the dating app a cool down mode. I only went on it for fun. I didn’t actively engage it in. I took a break for a long while.
In December 2017, I decided to try again. I found Brad. Brad and I hit it off as I had with David and Greg. We exchanged numbers. This time, I wasn’t going to be dragged into a long weird date or an awkward lunch, so I only agreed to meet at a Starbucks for coffee. Brad agreed to my demands.
We met and we talked for hours. It turned out that we knew some of the same people. Things were going so well, we decided to grab lunch. We hopped in my truck and went to Applebee’s. We stayed there for some time as well. Eventually, we made our way back to Starbucks so Brad could get his car.
While in my truck, Brad leaned in touched the cupped the side of my face and wound his fingers through my hair at my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. It was great. It made my insides hot and gooey. He departed with promises to text.
As I said, we knew some of the same people, so of course I followed up. The person who knew him, warned me off telling me he was a scumbag, basically. I told my friend that it was okay. I was only in it for the fun of it.
Brad kept his promise and over the next two weeks, we texted back and forth. We made plans for him to come over to my house to play pool and have drinks.
We played a few games and things got real flirty. Hands tracing the backs of legs when you’re bent over for a shot. Leaning in and breathing the same breath as someone. Drinking and playing pool easily led to us fooling around in the bedroom. I wasn’t drunk, but I was buzzed. It all happened real fast. First we were kissing. The clothes came off and then it was over. I don’t even remember the actual sex. Then, he was dressed with an excuse that he had to leave.
I got a text the next day and the day after that, but then, he just ghosted me. I never heard from him again. Poof. Gone.
End of date three.
In 2018, I gave the dating thing another try. I found Brandon. We did the texting thing. We had a hard time working out schedules. I was on winter break so my schedule was very open. We agreed to meet at Starbucks at 5pm. I went around 4:50pm. I sat at a table but didn’t order a drink.
At 5:00, I figured he would be there any minute.
At 5:10, I thought he was stuck in traffic. I considered texting him.
At 5:20, I knew I had been stood up.
I left. I deleted his number and the messaged. I was pissed.
The next day I got a message from him, “Good morning. How was your night?”
I responded, “Fucking for real? We were supposed to meet last night. Fuck off.”
“Oh. Was that last night? I’m sorry. I got mixed up.” So he said.
“Fuck off. Don’t text me anymore!” And I blocked the number.
That was kinda date four.
Now, date five happened today kids. July 3, 2019. I’ve been off the dating site since December 2018, since being stood up. I’ve had a couple hits and texts with people, but no big fishes.
I met Hadley. He was a teacher. We did not have a lot in common but our first couple of messages on the app were friendly. I suggested we exchange numbers.
We started texting and I should have stopped immediately. All of his text messages were single word answers. Yes. No. Karaoke. Golf. Beer. Hi. Hey. 1. There were very few actual sentences. We did sometimes have a conversation but most of it was me prompting the conversation. I really knew better, but I thought this guy has a master’s degree, maybe he’s just a bad texter.
We texted for a couple of weeks and decided to meet up. I went with my Starbucks. He agreed but then asked if we could go for a beer instead. I said I didn’t mind but that I didn’t drink. I didn’t mind if he drinks. We agreed to go to the sports bar at the casino near our houses.
He got there first. He was sitting at the bar in front of a keno machine. There was money in the machine. He was drinking a beer. He had not paid for the beer. The keno had paid for the beer. There was a dollar in the tip cup.
When I walked over, he stood up and shook hands with me. We sat down. He did not offer me a drink. The bartender came over and asked if I wanted something and I asked for a diet coke.
He did not prompt a conversation. I asked how he was doing. He said fine. Then he asked, “What’s your name again?”
I was dismayed. I told him my name.
He talked about teaching, mostly bitching about kids and how he hated sharing his space with another teacher. He talked about how he couldn’t wait to retire.
He did not ask anything about me or what my plans were for the summer. I prompted him with questions about his kids, golf , teaching, and Arizona. During his responses, he played keno, drank his free beer, and watched a sporting event on one of the many TVs in the sports bar.
At some point we talked about how much time was left of the summer and I talked about how we report back August 7th. He repeated the date back to me. I repeated it back to him.
He said, “Hold on, I got to call my wife. I mean my ex-wife.”
He proceeded to call her then text her. They texted for a few minutes. Then he went on about how half his summer was gone and he was pissed.
He finished his beer, stood up and proclaimed he was going to the gym.
I stood up and said I needed to pick up my son. Which was a lie.
He shook my hand and walked away.
I didn’t even have time for my emergency phone call to happen. I had Myers on standby to call me thirty minutes in to save me in case it was going bad. The date ended in under thirty minutes.
An hour later he texted me, “It was nice to me you.”
That was date five.
I’m pretty sure I’m done with dating. Sure, it’s entertaining to talk to people, but I don’t think I’m really invested in getting to know anyone. I’m perfectly content being single. I don’t need a man in my life. It would just complicate my life. I have friends to fill the void of companionship. I’m not really all that interested sex. Once you’ve gone without it, it doesn’t seem to matter. Whoever said, “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” was not talking about modern day society. There may be lots of fish but they are nasty fish. They are like those crazy looking fish, the Anglerfish, with their crazy looking light at the bottom of the ocean. That’s what’s left of the fish in the sea.