The Calm After…

There seemed like there was always the undercurrent of discord and chaos. There was a type of love I think to the degree that capacity allowed him.

We could never find the common ground.

I felt he needed to always prove a point even to my detriment or embarrassment.

We were friendly but I don’t know if we were even friends or family. When he finally told me he had cancer and his hair had turned white. He told me “I only told my close friends and family.” I was neither. Though I was daughter.

I loved him to the point of pain. I remember being his little girl and basking in his smiles and embraces. Then like a hose cranked to shut off the water the flow stopped. We stopped flowing together and raged against each other.

It was never spoken aloud.

But it floated on the surface.

My love.

My disappointment.

My anger.

Mirrored back at me through passive actions.

Loving words spoken by both. Especially in a virtual world but we could not coexist in reality.

We struggle in close spaces and long time.

While you were sick, you came to me. I felt you. You were scared. I tried to reassure you. But you kept trying to steal my light. You had my whole life to see my light shine. I pushed you back.

And my anxiety stopped.

I slept.

You came to me and sat on my bed. You wore your green fatigues. I could just see your lap and your hand brushed the hair out of my face.

You said:

Shhhh. Shiyazhí. Close your eyes. Go back to sleep.

I closed my eyes. You brushed my hair.

I opened my eyes and you were gone. I asked Patrick where the man went and he said there was no man. I went back to bed.

Went I fully woke up. I realized the gift you had given me. The amends we made. The gentle gesture given. And accepted.

My anger. My rage. My resentment. My pain. My disappointment. My red energy was gone. And a light was left in me.

Thank you.

Now I sit. So calm. In stillness. Silent. I’ve been muted.

The waves we thrashed against each other have flattened.

Still

Calm

We are nothing but empty space.