Airing my laundry

Many of my family and friends have had the same look of worry the look of worry they get when I have an episode.

This episode was of my own making. After Rick died. My best friend I crawled into a vodka bottle and didn’t crawl out. Just dove deeper and deeper through the endless supply of vodka of handles at $20 a pop.

They’d last me 2 days. I drank every day with the exception when I had surgery. But that didn’t last long.

I was devastated by Rick’s death. Mostly because he was a year older than me. Pretty healthy and no reason to die. But die he did. We were supposed to meet that weekend but postponed it to the following week due to scheduling conflicts. Our standing appointment never happened for our dog ratings and chat.

This sent me drinking and turned me back to being a meat eater. I ordered out from the outback and got a steak that took six hours to eat and two hours to throw up.

I dove into unhealthy relationships. If you can call them that. One night stands more like it. Feelings numb. Trying to feel something. More alcohol. Numb.

Drink. Drink drink. A mixed drink turned to just shots. I rarely thought of Rick. Except at midnight on Saturdays when my calendar dinged and reminded me that we were supposed to do our google meet. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes it makes me smile.

I hear his voice laugh. I watch movies that I know he’d like. Wishing he’d see them. Like John Wick 4.

I guess somehow I felt abandoned. Left to figure out my own shit. No sounding board. Nobody to laugh with or be laughed at. No one to call me on my bullshit. Teach me about politics.

It’s not Rick’s fault I drank to much. It’s my fault to not feel him. Also it does not help both sides of my family have a steady stream of alcoholics.

I’m now a part of that club.

Pancreatitis cinched the deal. Vomiting for a week and no food did a number on me. An ER visit. Some meds and lots of rest. Ruined my vacation. But I’m healthier going into the new year.

I have Rick to thank for that. I know he would approve.

Today I’m 14 days sober. That’s where I’m at today and I’m looking forward to many more.