Wtf Tom

Dear Tom,

Been awhile brother. Haven’t sent you a a Hail Mary pass in a long time.

I fucking miss you so much. So much is happening. Dad is succumbing to his illness. I don’t know how much time he has. They won’t talk to me. I found out through the Navajo phone tree that he was even as sick as he was.

I’m conflicted on how to feel. Deep down. I think dad does love me. But I also think he doesn’t. He doesn’t know what to do with me.

For a year I text texted him “hey hope you’re having a good day. Love you.” Only to find out when I called on his birthday that his number had been disconnected. How long had I been sending ghost messages?! None of them had been returned anyway.

I’m the daughter that doesn’t matter. You were the son he couldn’t live without.

We were a yin yang pair.

Dad. Doesn’t have a whole lot of time I think.

But nobody will tell me the truth. I don’t know what I did to be so on the outs of honest information but apparently it was bad.

I have recently discovered a new art style expression. I’m channeling my Navajo side. Tapping into this side of the nali.

I’m slowly starting to get a grasp of how to interpret my ideas through the paint.

It’s something totally new as I’m drawing and painting something from my minds eye and not from a picture.

I was doing these portraitures. But these Navajo women just spoke to me. And I’ve just got to paint them. I’m drawing and drawing. And finding these scenes. Seeing these places I’ve never been but feeling these grandmas.

I wish I could share this art with you. I know how much you would love this.

I know how much you would be conflicted about dad. but loving.

Im just going to create art. Think of you. Tell you stories as I paint and laugh. Love and laugh.

My heart aches for you now. I wish you were here to stand with me at this time. Right now I’m alone. I need you. But you left me. You asshole. But cool. You did you.

I know I can do this. I’ve got this. I am Ahiddibah.